Whether you want to get comfortable talking about sex or become an ace apologizer, these tips are for you.
Romantic relationships can be a source of deep joy and satisfaction — and also a real pain to navigate.
As reporters who cover relationships for Well, we’re fortunate to spend hours every week talking to researchers, couples counselors and sex therapists who are some of the leading experts on love and who have seemingly endless wisdom to share. (Are our own relationships better for it? You’d have to ask our partners.)
Here is some of the most helpful advice we have heard this year so far, whether you are looking to find new ways of connecting, to spice up your sex life or simply to strengthen your partnership.
1. Learn to give a satisfying apology (in six simple steps).
Saying we are sorry can be difficult because it requires vulnerability and humility, said Lisa Leopold, who researches apologies. She and other experts distilled a good apology to six steps:
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First, say “I apologize” or “I’m sorry.” Using an “I” statement strengthens your apology by taking responsibility, Ms. Leopold said.
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Second, explain why you’re sorry — being specific about what you’ve done can make the other person feel understood, said Beth Polin, another academic who studies apologies.
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Third, acknowledge any harm you’ve caused.
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Fourth, vow not to do it again (if that’s realistic).
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Fifth, offer to repair the situation.
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Finally, let the person know that you desire their forgiveness, not because you want to wriggle off the hook, but “because of how much you care about them,” said Karina Schumann, a social psychologist who specializes in conflict resolution.
For a show of remorse to be truly effective, it should be focused on the other person’s feelings and needs, not your own, Dr. Schumann said.
2. Embrace those awkward sex talks.
Some couples find the prospect of having a frank conversation about sex so uncomfortable, they’d rather split up than attempt it, said Jeffrey Chernin, a therapist in Los Angeles. But he often tells his clients that the only way to have better sex is to talk about it.