Ask the Therapist columnist Lori Gottlieb advises a reader who wants his spouse to be more compassionate about his worsening recall.
I’m a 70-year-old active man. I go to the gym, bowl and play billiards and poker. I’m enjoying my retirement, but I’m also experiencing memory loss.
The problem isn’t day-to-day memory, but going back beyond three years or so, my memories can be sketchy.
I recognize this, but my husband, 65, continues to remind me of my memory loss. For instance, I say, “Let’s watch Tom Cruise in ‘War of the Worlds.’ I saw the ’50s version, but not this one.” He then says, “We watched it already.”
This upsets me because what I hear is, “You’re getting Alzheimer’s.”
He’s done it many times, and I try to explain how his comments hurt. He doesn’t see why they would because he’s simply stating a fact. I would like a more compassionate and understanding response. I’d take: “Oh honey, we had such a good time watching that movie. I remember how you kept comparing Cruise to Gene Barry!”
After my silent treatment for the next hour or so, he apologizes, but it doesn’t come off as very sincere, particularly with repeated similar scenarios.
We’ve been together for 24 years. Is it wrong to ask that much?
From the Therapist: It’s not wrong to ask to be treated more gently, especially because losing your memory can be scary and disorienting. It brings with it a heightened sense of vulnerability, and you want the person beside you to hold you with tenderness. But you’re likely to get a better response if you understand what’s happening beneath the surface. When one partner is dealing with a medical issue, both people in the relationship experience the challenge differently. And when the issue involves cognitive decline, the relationship faces a distinct kind of strain — one that threatens its identity.