Ask the Therapist columnist Lori Gottlieb advises a reader whose close friend is no longer welcome at her nuptials.
I’m getting married in August. Shortly after my engagement, I asked my fiancé’s brother’s wife to be a bridesmaid. During the seven years my fiancé and I have been together, I formed a close friendship with my future-sister-in-law and considered her to be like a sister.
Unfortunately, she and my fiancé’s brother have just divorced and the split, though mutual, isn’t amicable. She immediately moved to a new city without saying goodbye. I understand this isn’t about me, but it hurt. I miss her deeply — she was my closest female friend for years. My fiancé is extremely close to his brother, who has said that he prefers that none of his family have any contact with his ex.
My problem is that my ex-future-sister-in-law just reached out to ask about plans for my bachelorette party. A few months ago, I would have felt overjoyed to hear from her. But given the circumstances, my fiancé and I decided, and assumed she understood, that she would no longer be invited.
I would prefer to minimize my contact with her to avoid dredging up difficult feelings or creating conflict. However, I feel as though I must actually tell her she is not invited to our wedding. After all, she did receive both a save-the-date and an invitation to be my bridesmaid before they divorced, neither of which I revoked.
I’m surprised to be in this position. I truly thought any rational person would know they were disinvited from a wedding under these circumstances. How can I be respectful to all people involved here, and also attempt to protect my own emotional well-being?
From the Therapist: I’m sorry you’re dealing with such a challenging situation as your wedding day approaches. You’re navigating not just a re-evaluation of wedding logistics, but a reorganization of an entire relational system. Your brother-in-law’s ex-wife wasn’t just a bridesmaid — for seven years, she was your closest female friend, and you saw her as a sister. There’s real loss. Meanwhile, you’re entering into a new role in your fiancé’s family, including that of a wife and sister-in-law.