My friends think our children should know the truth.
My ex-husband and I were married for 15 years. We separated nine years ago after he had an affair, and then divorced. We tried very hard to reconcile but were unable to, in part because I felt he never took responsibility for the affair.
Our two children are now teenagers. Several of my friends have insisted that one day I will have to tell my children that their father was unfaithful to me. They believe that our children won’t ever really know or understand their father and their own lives without that information.
I disagree. Their father and I are cordial co-parents and the kids have not experienced a lot of conflict between us. Together we celebrate holidays, attend their events, make decisions about the kids and present ourselves as a united front. Plus, the kids don’t ask about the divorce anymore. On the other hand, I understand that people deserve to know the truth about the things that have profoundly shaped their lives.
My kids both struggle with anxiety and depression (as do I), and I feel like if I told them about their father’s infidelity, it would cause them to lose a trusted parent whom they both love very much. Moreover, their father would be angry at me for doing so, and it could cause a rift that puts the children in a much more contentious situation than the one they are in now.
What is the emotionally healthy thing to do? Even if I don’t tell the children anything now, if they begin to ask questions when they are older, is it best to tell them the truth or can I continue to tell them what we have always told them: that their father and I fell out of the kind of romantic love that people feel in a marriage?
From the Therapist: In order to answer your question, you’ll need to define what you and your friends mean by “the truth.”