Maybe we shouldn’t have hooked up so soon after their breakup.
I have been friends with two women who have been a couple for nine years. They recently broke up. I remained friends with both of them, trying to support them equally through their breakup. One of them, whom I’ll call “Alice,” wanted me to not be friends with “Jane.” She said she needed a friend who was all hers. I told her I could not do that and wanted to remain friends with both.
After a couple of months, Alice started dating someone else and seemed happy. She told me she was moving on.
About a week after that, Jane and I started having romantic feelings for each other. After we determined this might be a serious relationship, we told Alice. At first, Alice said she was happy for us and that these things happen. But after getting off the call, she texted that she needed space. She will not talk to me now and has told mutual friends untrue things about me. Most of our friends are trying to be friends with both of us, but some are excluding me.
My relationship with Jane is going well. We are not getting any younger and really want our chance at a lasting relationship. But I miss my friend.
Was I wrong to start dating my friend’s ex so soon? How long are people “supposed” to wait?
From the Therapist: The problem here is that relationships (friendships included) don’t operate on a clear-cut system of “right” and “wrong.” They operate in the murky waters of feelings.
Feelings and morality are two different things, and you’ve been considering the situation from what you believe is a morally defensible stance. You supported both friends during their breakup — a tricky and delicate balancing act. When it became clear that a romantic relationship with Jane was brewing, you reflected, talked and disclosed. And from your perspective, Alice had already reached a new chapter in her life — at least externally.