Terry Real shares simple strategies for surviving fights and maintaining long-term intimacy.
In his work as a couples therapist, Terry Real sees people asking more from their romantic relationships than ever before. They want deep intimacy. Romantic walks on the beach. Great sex well into their 70s.
“We all want gods or goddesses that are going to complete us and heal us,” Mr. Real, the author of “Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship,” said onstage Wednesday at the New York Times Well Festival in Brooklyn. “The reality is, we’re stuck with a person who is just as imperfect as we are.”
The good news? Learning a few simple relationship skills can help couples navigate the ups and downs of long-term intimacy.
Give up on being right.
It’s easy to think that one of you is inherently on the winning side of an argument and that the other has it all wrong.
But Mr. Real often tells his clients: “Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Who cares?”
Instead of fixating on sides, Mr. Real recommended thinking of your relationship as a “biosphere.” You live inside of it, and it is in your interest to keep it healthy. When you’re in the thick of a tiff, remind yourself it may ultimately be in your own best interest to prioritize protecting that biosphere over proving a point.
And if you still find yourself stubbornly clinging to the idea of being right, ask yourself: How do I want to use my time? Do I want to spend the evening arguing? You might quickly realize that finding common ground with your partner is more appealing than winning the fight.