Therapists and couples say that sometimes a “sleep divorce” can revive a relationship.
When Natalie and Shane Plummer moved into separate bedrooms 12 years ago, they really just wanted more sleep.
The couple, who have been married for 24 years and live in Meridian, Idaho, hoped Ms. Plummer would get a respite from her husband’s snoring. (She did.) They also thought Mr. Plummer, 47 — the tidier partner — might enjoy having his own space. (He did.)
They didn’t foresee how much the change would improve their sex life.
“Our frequency has definitely increased,” said Ms. Plummer, 47, and “the quality of our sex has definitely increased. When we’re together in a bed, there’s a purpose for it. We’re talking. Or we’re cuddling. Or we’re having sex.”
The decision to sleep separately, sometimes called a “sleep divorce,” is both taboo and fairly common. In a 2023 American Academy of Sleep Medicine survey, more than one-third of respondents said they regularly or occasionally slept in another room to accommodate their partner. Though this is sometimes seen as a sign a couple is at odds, many sleep divorcées and sex therapists say it can actually help reignite a spark.
“I’m a huge advocate for this practice,” said Cyndi Darnell, a sex and relationships therapist in New York City and the author of “Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It: The Truth about Mismatched Libido and Rediscovering Desire.”
In her experience, couples often share a bed because they think they should, but lying next to someone does not necessarily foster intimacy — particularly if doing so leaves both partners too tired to function and feel, well, sexy.