Photo Illustration by The New York Times

Courtenay Hameister worked hard to stop feeling shame about her body size, but she also had a cruel inner monologue that just wouldn’t leave her alone. At times, her internalized fatphobia was so powerful, she couldn’t think about romance at all. But when Courtenay started dating Jason, everything felt different. He was fat, too, as well as smart, funny, and handsome.

When Courtenay realized she was starting to gain weight again, though, she became obsessed with the idea that other people were judging her and Jason, and she made a decision she would immediately regret.

This episode is adapted from her 2023 essay “Were We the ‘Fat Couple’?

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Modern Love is hosted by Anna Martin and produced by Reva Goldberg, Emily Lang, Davis Land and Amy Pearl. The show is edited by Lynn Levy and Jen Poyant, our executive producer. Production management is by Christina Djossa. The show is mixed by Daniel Ramirez and recorded by Maddy Masiello and Nick Pitman. It features original music by Elisheba Ittoop, Dan Powell, Marion Lozano and Rowan Niemisto. Our theme music is by Dan Powell.

Special thanks to Larissa Anderson, Dahlia Haddad, Lisa Tobin, Brooke Minters, Daniel Jones, Miya Lee, Mahima Chablani, Nell Gallogly, Jeffrey Miranda, Isabella Anderson, Christine Nguyen, Reyna Desai, Jordan Cohen, Victoria Kim, Nina Lassam and Julia Simon.

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