Therapists share the secrets to a drama-free money chat.
I like talking to my husband about a lot of things, but money isn’t one of them. Most of our conversations about spending go something like this: We lament our credit card balances. We grumble about child care costs. Then we retreat until the next bill arrives or tax season shines a bright, unsparing light on our finances — as it is right now.
I take some comfort in knowing that we’re not the only ones who stink at discussing money. In one small study, married couples reported their money-related disagreements tended to be more intense than arguments about other topics, and were less likely to be resolved. Other research suggests that financial conflicts may be a stronger predictor of divorce than other types of disagreements.
“It’s really hard to feel comfortable starting these conversations,” said Jillian Knight, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in financial therapy, which combines financial advice with psychological support. “Because a lot of the time, people have the belief that you shouldn’t talk about money or that they’re not good with money.”
I chatted with Ms. Knight and other therapists who work with couples on money issues about some common communication missteps.
Mistake 1: Assuming you have the same values
We tend to internalize financial lessons from our families, said Lisa Marie Bobby, a licensed marriage and family therapist. But conflicts arise when romantic partners assume that their point of view is the only point of view instead of taking the time to explore each other’s financial stories, she said. “This leads to sometimes vicious fights, arguing over whose perspective is the ‘right’ one,” she said.
To better understand where your partner is coming from, start with a broad question like “What money lessons did you learn growing up?” recommended Stephanie Zepeda, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Houston. For instance, if your parent lost his or her job several times, you might have grown up believing that saving money is the ultimate priority. Or you might have come to think that it’s important to say yes to all of the experiences and luxuries you didn’t have as a child, she said.