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When I was in my early 20s, the apex of my people-pleasing years, I dated an aspiring poet.
He didn’t want to get a job, he said, because it interfered with his creative process. He lived happily at home with his parents; I paid for everything else.
As my debt increased, I continued to be his human A.T.M. because I was afraid that if I stopped, he would break up with me.
When I finally informed him the party was over, he vanished, leaving me with a bruised ego and bad credit.
People pleasing, the tendency to prioritize other people’s wants and needs at the expense of your own, happens for a range of reasons, said Ilene Cohen, a therapist and author of “When It’s Never About You.”
Some of us formed the habit as children and carried it into adulthood, she said, while others use it to deal with social inadequacy or anxiety, or a fear of conflict.
But people pleasing can also feel good — at least at first, Dr. Cohen added. When you meet other people’s needs, “you’re the responsible one,” she said. “You’re the one that people come to.”