I’m heartbroken that she chose him over me.
My 37-year-old daughter is getting married for a second time. It’s a church wedding and traditions are in play.
Her mother divorced me 36 years ago. I was an active and present dad, and we have a good relationship. I never missed a weekend. I went to her functions, and she vacationed with my new wife and me.
Here’s the problem: My daughter asked her stepfather to give her away. I’m assuming he will also be the one to have a father-daughter dance. This has crushed me. I didn’t say anything to her other than, “Oh, OK.” But I was devastated.
Now I don’t want to go and watch this other man (my ex and I had a foul divorce with much anger) walk my daughter down the aisle or dance with her. I know it’s not about me, but I’m hurt. I also don’t think it’ll be that crushing to her if I’m a no-show.
Am I being childish, or are my feelings justified?
From the Therapist: What I hear in your letter is the voice of a father who has worked hard to maintain a strong relationship with his daughter after a difficult divorce, and who now feels both hurt and invisible as her wedding approaches.
These traditional fatherly roles — walking the bride down the aisle, sharing a dance — can carry enormous emotional significance for some people. Perhaps for you, having your daughter’s stepfather perform these rituals feels like an erasure of your parental identity and all the years you’ve invested in being present for your daughter, as well as a referendum on your daughter’s love for you compared with her love for her stepfather.