“The White Lotus” highlights a common phenomenon in long-term friend groups: Nobody ever changes.
“We’re still the same people we were in the 10th grade,” Carrie Coon’s character, Laurie, on the hit HBO series “The White Lotus,” tells her two friends. “It’s just funny,” she adds.
What she’s referring to isn’t literally funny, nor is it nostalgic. The comment reflects an undercurrent of tension that runs through their relationships. The three women, who have been friends since elementary school and are vacationing together at a luxury resort in Thailand, fawn over one another for being “too generous” and looking “incredible.” But they also pair up and gossip about each other — for drinking too much, needing male attention and for maybe being Republican. They are in their 40s, but their dynamics recall that of a high school clique.
To many viewers, these details spotlight a common experience: Sometimes you regress when you’re with the people you’ve known the longest. Being reminded of a long-tucked-away facet of your personality can be one of the upsides of long-term friendship. But old friends can also bring back long-abandoned self-doubt and unhealthy patterns that can leave you with “that ick feeling,” said Kelly Campbell, a professor of psychology at California State University, San Bernardino, who studies friendships.
The “White Lotus” creator, Mike White, wanted to explore this regressive behavior among friends, especially when one has seemingly achieved more success than the others have. (Jaclyn, played by Michelle Monaghan, is a famous TV actor; Kate, played by Leslie Bibb, is a stay-at-home mom; and Laurie is a corporate lawyer.) “Just being around those people scratches certain wounds, even if they don’t mean to,” Mr. White said in an interview in February with HBO. As a result, you feel compelled, he said, to “justify your life to certain types of people that you have that history with.”
The competitive tension flares up when the three women meet the resort’s attractive and flirtatious “health mentor,” Valentin, and a tangle ensues over his attention. “Why did you keep pushing him on me when it was always your plan to hook up with him yourself?” Laurie demands of Jaclyn, pouting when she gets no satisfying answer. “It’s like nobody ever changes,” she says.
Insecurity is the jet fuel that drives this kind of dynamic, Dr. Campbell said. Childhood friends are formed at a time when individuals, particularly young girls, generally have lower self-esteem. At that age, we might compare ourselves with our friends and seek more external validation, she said. “Hopefully, by the time you get to adulthood, you work through that insecurity.”